16

Three hundred and sixty five days ago- I was in Paris anxious about my future, watching with empty eyes my relationship evaporate, and feeling as though I was under fire by everyone who was meant to love me. Unhappy, confused, and completely unaware ... it was more of a nightmare than a vacation. My loved ones looked on terrified as I simply acquiesced to a zombie-like demeanor. Three hundred and sixty five days later, I can only look back on that day and see how far away I am.... how everything has changed.

I'm smiling. I'm laughing. I'm happy.
Nigh two weeks ago, I left the United States in a state of annoyance, loneliness, anxiety and a touch sad and landed in Rome hours before anyone else would arrive. I waited patiently at the meeting spot until an enormous group of Italian tourists congregated in front of me. Waiting impatiently and becoming claustrophobic, I escaped and decided to watch the spot from above. Two hours later, a familiar face appeared. We eyed each other inquisitively for a few seconds, trying to make sure it was the other before confirming the identities. It was "The Comedian" that my professor had been hyping up for since May but had been missing in action - I hadn't realized it was the same person I had taken two classes with already and was entirely surprised to see him. Reluctant but in desperate need of human interaction and company, I invited him for a bite in the airport café and we entertained small talk awkwardly while I tried to ascertain his sexuality and whether or not he really hated me as much as I thought he had and all the while keeping him pinned to my preconceived notions of him. I joined him outside to watch him smoke and a bird shit on my luggage. Mortified and disgusted, I took it to be a bad omen for the upcoming trip and while cleaning everything up and hoping to be simultaneously struck down by a random bolt of lightning, I imagined what else could possibly go wrong. Our group began to assemble and we finally were together and on our bus heading towards Siena. The week that ensued, however, was of course anything but what I could possibly have expected. A pessimist and a cynic, I was pleasantly proven wrong on so many counts... and perhaps unpleasantly on just a few. I tried to understand people, where each phrase could have stemmed from and what it said about them. When the Comedian did begin to speak due to the copious amounts of wine we were having, I saw that I had entirely misjudged him. What I took for haughty, pretentious, elitist egocentricity (albeit painfully cool and intimidating) was his collected cover for a music and video game nerd who was as much of a 13 year old boy as he was a 21 year old man and everything made sense. All of the sudden, I realized I should try to apply this to others in order to prevent from judging them but rather understanding them. Simultaneously, the fates drew us together until we hit "wham - like two cabs on Broadway" [rw]. After months, cynicism and bitterness were replaced by butterflies and stupid giggles that accelerated at the swiftest of rates so that eight days later, we were holding hands and crying over the cruelty of fate. Reason, anxiety and fear battled with hope and foolhardy ambition until a realization, a minor epiphany materialized. This affinity that developed out of nowhere was not aided nor repressed simply because I had gone with the flow. I let it run its course and it had brought me to impulsively switching my flight to spend an extra 24 hours with someone I had only just gotten to know... why dam up the floodgate when it had occurred naturally? After leaving our status as uncomfortably ambiguous, I threw my arms around him before his 12 hour flight for a last good-bye and only one phrase kept repeating itself in my head over and over ... which I had refused to say, something I do not regret in the least but it was a revelation. Mulling it over coffee and tears, it seemed evident to throw caution to the wind. And here I am in Paris, terrified and excited and accepting what the future has in store, good or bad.

Three hundred and sixty five days ago, I was absolutely terrified about the future - entertaining panic attacks as if they were commonplace. Occupation, graduate school, love, friendship, family... all these things seemed so uncertain and out of control. Three hundred and sixty five days later, life is all the more ambiguous and now all the more complicated but to simply reject everything - reject butterflies, anxiety, sadness, happiness, laughter... reject youth simply because the ending is unknown is to reject one's humanity and deny life. It would be a manifestation of Hippolito's clairvoyant protagonist who sees his terrible future and therefore elects to stay at home to do nothing... dying without having done anything.

And so... three hundred and sixty five days later, I choose not to subject my reason to desire nor do I elect to subject passion to anxiety but rather allow the fates to take me where they may. This does not mean I concede and no longer become an active agent in my life but simply just one who tries (key word, tries) not to control what cannot even be known.

Three hundred and sixty five days later- I feel as though I'm finally living and its absolutely terrifying.