12

"Sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar eats you" - The Big Lebowski

There are days that feel as though the universe was thrown off balance for a given period of time. Not entirely in the sense that planets were misaligned or that the cosmos conspired against you but rather that the psyche, the ego, the mind, is turned on an awkward axis. It is never anything so straightforward as 45, 90, 180 or 360 but something more along the lines of 43.67 - it is close enough to a state of mind, a feeling, but it is slightly off. Nothing and no one has thrown you off balance but the world is tilted regardless. Even when the universe conspires with you in a clandestine moment of delightful irony and a happy ending to the sequence of events, you still have trouble rejoicing in it because all is not aligned. Is it just one of those days? Is it something that intends on lasting longer than you had intended? One can only wait, I imagine.

Many of us are fond of hyper-analyzing ourselves into a state in which we eventually hyper-analyze our own hyper-analyzation ... but is there truly any true remedy to what are clearly not palpable issues or even real conflicts but something too abstract to even place your finger on. Or maybe they are. And then you perhaps sit on a couch and vomit up your most inane thoughts and base tendencies to someone who either loves you too much or is paid too much to be bothered by your narcissism and try to piece together through verbalization what exactly is that thorn in your side. You've already picked out the thorns from the teasing in middle school, your Elektra complex, this guy, that woman and so on. And yet, something still remains. No matter how often you gaze onto your fortunate life, breathe in the sweet smell of overindulgence, desires collide with guilt, combine at different proportions to tarnish your sense of appreciation.

How I often long to be endowed with that real depth of intuition women from the old country are plagued by. It is something more than seasoned wisdom and a keen sense of intuition. It is almost paranormal. They can manage to become tyrannical matriarchs and use their power for ill... if only I could possess that sense of security, then maybe, just maybe... And it will all be an illusion because one cannot predict the future let alone control it.